It was difficult for me to think of a place where I'd really feel truly uncomfortable without having to go a long ways away, but thankfully the idea of going to the gym was included in the assignment description! I have never been to a gym since I had a weights section of my 9th grade P.E. class, and that (just like all other P.E. classes) was a little traumatizing for me, so the gym seemed the perfect choice. I certainly approached the assignment with enough consternation to illustrate to myself just how other I was going to be.
I don't have classes until 1 pm every day, and so I planned to go to the gym in the morning on Wednesday. But I couldn't bring myself to go do something difficult like that. So I pushed it off. And pushed it off. And pushed it off. Finally, Saturday morning rolled around and it was the last real day I would have to go. Just the thought of being the other, knowing I would be the other, stressed me out!
I took a long time obsessing over what I'd wear. I only own one really ratty old pair of sport shorts that I wear as pajamas, and I felt really uncomfortable wearing them in public. But I always think of gym-goers as having a very specific uniform, and if I come in looking really different, I was sure they'd recognize me right away as someone who didn't belong. So I tried to do the 'look': athletic shoes, tall black socks, shorts (I wore a pair of summer, not-sport-shorts that I own), and a black T-shirt. I didn't own a shirt with some school or athletic logo or that was made of some workout-convenient fabric, however, so I knew I wasn't fully fitting the bill.
I had never been in the Smith Field-house before, and it took me a while to find the gym inside the building, all the while, I noticed that even the smell of the place made me uncomfortable and withdrawn. I am actually fairly naturally gifted at athletics-- when I have a kind person to help teach me and I'm actually interested in learning, I can do well at any sport. But I've never had any interest in learning sports besides tennis and volleyball, and so my poor performance led to a lot of embarrassment on my part in P.E. classes and neighborhood games growing up. So even the smell of athletics, which I've associated so long with embarrassing situations, makes me tense. The mixture of sweat, deodorant, and something else indefinable... not the smell of the locker room, but the smell of a gymnasium... it made me feel other before I was even at the place itself!
When I finally arrived, the person at the counter where you have to swipe your BYU I.D. card was an unsmiling, athletic guy. I was sure he was judging me for being a first timer because I didn't know where or how to swipe my I.D. So being other made me feel paranoid. The gym was unfortunately packed, not just with machines, which lined every wall and filled the center of the room, but with people. As I walked in, it seemed like every single treadmill along the long wall to my right was taken by some extremely fit person, all of whom were surely staring at me. I looked in vain for some corner place where I could sit and 'stretch' out of sight in order to get accustomed to the room. Finding none, I found the best place I could between two machines nearly at the edge, away from the gaze of most of the cardio crazies, and began stretching. But soon enough it was time to try the machines.
I was sure I was doing something wrong. First of all, I felt ridiculous as I walked around the whole circuit of the weight machines. They all looked so ridiculously convoluted. How on earth am I supposed to fit my body into that? What does it do? What do I push? Pull? There were instructions on each machine, so eventually, when none of them looked immediately forthcoming, I starting reading the instructions on the machine farthest away from the treadmills (the benches for the bench press were right next to me, but luckily weren't as full as the cardio section, and the people working out there were naturally looking skyward, not at me). After reading, I tried out the machine and managed to figure it out fairly easily, which was nice.
I proceeded to try out each machine, but after a while, I ran into other people using them as well. "What was the protocol for waiting for a machine?" I wondered. "That guy's been standing by mine for 30 second on his phone. Does that mean I'm taking too long? Where am I supposed to stand and which direction should I look if I want to queue for this next machine? I don't want this girl to feel like I'm rushing her..." Not knowing the protocol made me feel very other and even more nervous.
I even ran into a couple of people I knew. Luckily, they were nice guys and seemed a little uncomfortable there themselves. If I'd run into someone obviously gym savvy, I don't know if I would have tried to hide or been brave enough to ask her / him for advice!
I noticed that no one was talking at all, and my interpretation was that people were very focused, and wouldn't appreciate being distracted. It made me feel like tiptoeing around. And that in spite of the music being played, which (though not really loud) was of this indescribable mixture of genres. I can say that I would never have voluntarily listened to a single song being played, however, and that made me feel not just uncomfortable, but a little irritable, too, that I had to do this hard / strange thing while listening to terrible music. What, the jocks don't like Lady Gaga?
In conclusion, I realized through this experience, that though I have trained myself out of feeling uncomfortable as the other in most situations, there are yet some very specific instances when I feel other because past experiences I've had dispose me towards insecurity. I responded to this by withdrawing, being more shy and timid, and feeling a lot of anxiety. I can vividly imagine that students undergoing this kind of experience at school would have a really hard time of it! If even the thought of school, the smell of school, the sight of school gives them anxiety and makes them feel a little nauseated?! I will have to put in an awful lot of effort into making my classroom safe and my teaching accessible for every student if that is the level of discomfort some feel.
Note: It felt wrong to take any photos while in the gym because no matter where I turned there would have been someone else in the picture, and no one wants their picture taken while working out, right? Oh, wait, that's wrong. I think gym selfies are a thing for athletic people. So I made do with taking a selfie (also a new thing for me) of my workout outfit before heading off to the gym. I've also added a picture below from the BYU website describing the gym so you can get an idea for how it looks.
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